Outcast
by Genesis Chi
Summary: What would happen, if a Shadowkissed person was turned Strigoi? How would they change, physically and psychologically? Let's find out how Rose reacts when it is Lissa's fault she was turned. (Will include both Rose and Dimitri's POVs, but I don't know how often they'll actually be around each other) ON HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, this is a completely off-the-wall idea I randomly had while surfing through some of the amazing VA fanfics out there. It occurred to me that lots of people think that the bond breaking would also stop Rose being Shadowkissed, but I don't think it would (and don't think it ever said so).**

**So, with the assumption that Rose would still have the abilities and strangenesses of being Shadowkissed, I wondered what would happen if she became Strigoi. What would be different, and how she would cope with things both old and new from her changed species status.**

**NOTE: This story happens sometime after Bloodlines starts, but nothing specific. However, I am writing this having not read much of the Bloodlines series (as I can't get hold of them just now), so if I'm going a bit AU I'm sorry.**

**PS: I know, tenses are probably everywhere, and I know I suck at them, really sorry!**

_How did this even happen?_ I think miserably to myself as I observe my non-reflection in the mirror.

Of course, I know how this happened, it is Lissa's fault, if she'd just _listened_ to me and ran when I told her to… No, I am not going to blame Queen Vasilisa for this, I signed up to protect her no matter the consequences to myself – but I never thought this would happen… I didn't think the world could be so cruel as to keep fucking with my life.

_And my life has __**definitely**__ been fucked up_, says my missing reflection as I stare slightly at the blur in the mirror that should show my face.

_It's just not __**fair**__!_ I had sorted everything out: Jill was safe with Sydney, my name was cleared, there were no threats left – except the immortal Strigoi problem that would never really disappear, and was now— No, I cannot continue that thought.

I stare at what I can see of myself and would cry if I could, but I cannot conjure tears. My eyes are hazy on the shiny surface, but they are quite clearly glowing, not red-ringed, but glowing nonetheless.

_What the hell am I?_

I am Strigoi, I must be, but why then does that make me sad? I shouldn't be saddened by it… Strigoi don't feel sadness, only anger, bloodlust and hate – and yes, I feel those, towards Lissa mostly – but I am consumed by misery.

Still, surely the melancholy will fade, maybe it will take time for me to completely change over… Oh God, I hope I turn fully soon, I cannot stand feeling like this.

I had been so happy two days ago…

… **(FLASHBACK THINGY)**

It had been the start of Lissa's summer holiday, so we were finally going back to Court, and I would see Dimitri after so long apart. I was ecstatic, and so was Lissa, she was going to get to see Christian again, and focus solely on her duties as Queen, without having college in the way.

I had been standing vigilantly at her door as she packed, watching alertly for any sign of danger and tensing for any attack. If there was going to be one, now would be the time, any Guardian knew that travel was dangerous, and even more so for the Queen of the Moroi – she was a prime target for Strigoi and Moroi alike, a fearmongering kill for the former, and a statement for the latter.

I had had a sick feeling in my stomach all day, I tried to put it down to nervousness and excitement over returning to Court (and of course, Dimitri) but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Despite the break of the bond, I am still Shadowkissed, and can still sense Strigoi, so I feared that that was why I felt nauseous…

"Rose? I think I'm ready." Lissa said uncertainly, she had still not got used to officially thinking of me as her bodyguard, not just her over-protective friend.

I observed the room critically, she had left it spotlessly clean, as always. I nodded to her "Yes, I will report in that you are awaiting pickup." and I did, speaking into my high-tech earpiece, the reply was that Queen Vasilisa's car was situated but three feet from the accomodation's entrance doors. "Lissa, they're in front of the lobby, shall we go?"

"Yeah," Liss attempted to lift her suitcase, groaning at the weight of it, until I took it from her – to me it was next to weightless – and preceded her into the corridor. From there, Lissa took the lead, since it was a clear walkway from there to the stairs, and it was not so obviously clear in the other direction.

We took the four flights down without incident, and the lobby was also bodyguard-friendly in how empty it was – but this had been arranged deliberately by Lissa leaving a few days early, during learning hours, and during the lobby attendant's break. I opened the exit door slowly, cautiously looking through the gap as I widened it, ready for anything.

There was no danger, only the sight of a tinted limo – that was actually a very stylish and well-disguised equivalent of an armoured tank – surrounded by eight Guardians in the royal protection garb, Lissa's personal army.

Jakob grinned at me as he took Lissa's luggage and stowed it seemingly casually in the trunk, whilst keeping subtly alert at all times – a skill all dhampir learnt before they could go anywhere in the real human world, we were _undercover_ bodyguards after all. "No problems?" he asked upon noting my apprehensiveness.

"Nope, I'm just paranoid, you know that." and he did, they all knew how seriously I took protecting Lissa, but Jakob had been one of the few who'd seen me take several shots for her. Turning my attention to Lissa as she got into the car, I noticed she was rummaging through her handbag frantically "Your Highness," I addressed her, now in the presence of professionals "Is something wrong?"

"I can't find my diary, I must've left it in the room somewhere…" she started to get back out of the car, so I blocked her path, standing in the doorway

"Majesty, with the greatest respect, we must put your life above your appointment-book, it is replaceable, you are not."

"No!" Lissa exclaimed, pushing at me until I let her out "It's my personal diary!"

I realised what she meant, and knew that is must not be found: for safety reasons, for the secrecy of the Moroi, for the privacy of the Queen from both her political enemies and Strigoi alike.

"All right, I'll go and find it for you. Please remain here your Royal Highness."

"No, I'm coming with you Rose, you won't know where to look."

"I'm sure I can find it eventually, and cannot afford the risk to your person."

"Guardian Rose." Lissa whispered warningly "Obey your Queen, I _said_, I am coming with you."

"Yes your Majesty." I murmured in reply, turning back to the building, ready to escort her to the exact same place we started.

The journey back to Lissa's floor was uneventful, but the continuing luck was just unnerving, I would almost have preferred some attack, just to justify my nerves. I put my head around the door of her room, scanned it meticulously, looked back at her and gave the okay.

Liss walked in and began to search underneath her mattress – okay, admittedly that is not somewhere I would've looked unless I got desperate – rooting around quite noisily for someone so dainty, but that may have been the problem.

"Need some help?" I smirked, pulling the mattress off the frame, which still revealed no diary.

Lissa blanched, "Oh, no… What if somebody already found it? Or I left it somewhere or… Rose! We cannot let anyone see that book! It's all about being the Queen of the Moroi! I've talked about all the safety procedures and everythin—"

"VASILISA DRAGOMIR!" I yelled into her panicked babbles "Don't talk, search." I ordered her as I went to search the rest of her bedding. And she did, rummaging through half-emptied drawers and her still-full bookshelves.

"It's green, with gold swirls and a yellow ribbon. Christian bought it for me ages ago, saying it might help to stop spirit bugging me so much, if I wrote everything down so I'd spot the difference between…" I tuned out her chatter when something glittery flashed in the corner of my eye. I turned my head to find out what it was, but Lissa blocked my view by walking to her chest of drawers beside the door. Once she was talkatively searching through them, I approached the sparkle with a sigh as the sick-feeling spiked again.

"You found it!" Lissa yelped excitedly as I gestured her over, pointing to the book beneath her bed, in such plain sight neither of us had noticed it.

I handed the book to her then froze as the bile rose in my throat and a crash broke the silence, and a window. "Lissa! Door! Now!" I barked while relaying a call for backup into my earpiece. I pulled out my stake, and took a breath as I watched three Strigoi approach from her en suite bathroom.

I didn't let them attack first, I leapt for the biggest one – probably a dhampir before being turned – shrieking wildly at the top of my lungs. I yelled as I had once discovered that their brilliant senses can be used to my advantage, loud noises hurt their ears. My strategdy was rash enough that I was able to stab him in the stomach with my stake, I hadn't had enough height in my jump for the heart.

He howled and stumbled backwards to recuperate, leaving two smaller female previously-Moroi Strigoi still perfectly capable of fighting. They were smart, and both came for me at once, from both my left and right – but not smart enough, I jerked backwards in the hopes that they'd hit each other, which they did, but neither was fazed in any way except to hiss at the other.

"Get the Moroi, fools!" the injured male scowled, lurching back at me in perfect timing with one the women.

I dodged, Lissa was the one in danger, as the second woman was creeping toward her, hoping to evade my attention – not easily done – I spotted this and used the momentum of my dodge to crash into her, sending us both sprawling to the floor, and my stake into her heart.

"LISS!" I yelled as the other two came screeching at me, herding me away from my charge "RUN!" I silenced myself and focussed on keeping this duo away from her. I hopped onto the discarded mattress, faltering a little as the springy material bucked beneath my feet.

"Hey! Big scary Strigoi! Over here!" Liss shouted, waving her arms and running towards me.

The woman broke away to go for Liss – I had to stop her!

"LISS GET OUT OF HERE!" I screamed, using the bed to aid my leap toward Liss and the Strigoi.

When the Strigoi got within ten feet of Lissa – it was a huge room BTW – my friend started to realise what she'd done and begun to back away, only to hit the wall. I pounded towards them, the man followed and got hold of my shirt, but I continued, letting it be torn from my body so as to reach Liss.

I actually reached the female Strigoi by falling against her, having tripped on the diary Liss had dropped, thankfully I'd fallen stake first, but again, not hit her heart – argh! "LISSA GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" I cried, wrestling against the male who was trying to pry the stake from my hands, and the female who was giving me an uncoordinated yet still painful beating for the hole in her left shoulder.

I screamed with pain, not at the punches or claws of the woman, they were nothing. At first I didn't realise what was happening, even though I could feel the pure agony of it, and could sense to source, and see the look on Lissa's face.

The female Strigoi grinned as she turned back to Lissa, grabbing the Queen of the Moroi by her hair, only to be blasted back by a wave of spirit telekenesis, which threw her to the other side of the room – giving Liss enough time to fly for the door, into the approaching forms of my fellow Guardians.

Who were too late to save me…

The last thing I heard as my body mutated into something beyond death and below life, was Lissa yelling my name. This was not the peaceful death Tasha had given me, this one continued to burn throughout my body, scoring remembered evil and new taints into a soul that was on fire with loss already.

_I love you Lissa, and tell Dimitri I'm sorry._ Was my last thought before love faded from my understanding.

_This is all your fault._ Was my last thought before I died.

… **(END FLASHBACK)**

And here I am, dead, who knows how long later. I am still in Lissa's dorm-room, in her en suite, staring into the perfectly clear mirror, at my distinctly not clear reflection.

Again I think, _What have I become?_ It hurts to know I am not a dhampir anymore, but even more to not be able to label myself, because I do not look Strigoi, and I do not feel it.

I wish I did, because I don't want to feel like this anymore.

No-one has come and found me, which occurs to me to be strange, because there are still three Strigoi bodies in Liss' bedroom – but then again, the Guardians would be focussing on getting Queen Vasilisa home safe, it was the Alchemists job to clean up… so where were they?

I realise that I must not be here when they arrive, I'll be killed, or worse, I'll kill them. Though I don't want to believe it, I can feel it, I am hungry. Hungry in a way that I know a hundred brownies or pizzas could not sate. I want _lives_. Warm, juicy, ripe life, which tastes even better with a side of fear and screams—

No. If I am not completely Strigoi, I am not going to behave like one, I am _not_ going to hurt anyone!

Surely, if I keep thinking it, I can ensure that it is true. I am Rose Hathaway… But I can't say that anymore, Strigoi don't have identities, they are just things which need which need to die.

And I am one of them. So I must leave, and never see anyone I love again, or they will suffer the same fate.

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**So, maybe tell me what you think of the idea? Then I'll know whether or not I'm wasting my time writing this. Love thoughts of any kind, though constructive is always useful, and compliments are appreciated! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Immensely sorry for the delay, but I got stuck halfway through and was working on some of my own stuff while waiting to be inspired again, and kind of got sidetracked. Also, research takes loads of time because the internet hates me.**

**I have now decided definitely on how the tenses are going to be, Rose will have present, and everyone else past, because I always thought Strigoi would be very much live-in-the-now.**

**So, let's get on with my not-very-well-planned story that is mostly improvised. (My planning for other things was meticulous, whereas this was just a few bulletpoints, so a lot of the details might be all over everywhere)**

* * *

I left Lehigh university some time ago – upon hearing the arrival of the Alchemists, I jumped out of the window the original Strigoi had used to enter. Surprisingly, the four floor fall hurt, a lot, nothing was broken, but it sure as hell didn't feel good when I walked.

I am still wincing with every step, but not from my knees or ankles, no, they healed up some time ago. What hurts is an abstract all-over ache, a weakness I cannot define. But, even though I cannot explain where the pain is, I know why I feel so bad, I am hungry, for… blood.

The thought disgusts me, and entices me. I want to feel strong again, I just don't like the method.

What is wrong with me? I am Rose Hathaway, and Rose Hathaway does not do all that mopey, angsty stuff! Especially, since I do not have those emotions anymore, if I am going to be Strigoi, I am going to do it right. I will _choose_ to be bad, to make the painful goodness go away.

_I am __**hungry**__._ The thought swirls not just through my head, but through my body too, screaming in my fingertips, shrieking in my feet and screeching in my teeth, making everything feel tender and sore.

I am in the middle of nowhere, but it doesn't matter, I can reach the nearest city within three hours. So, I set off, and the hunt begins.

… **(Dimitri's POV)**

"Dimitri, I think you should sit down." Lissa's voice came over the phone, gaspy and choked. In anyone else that would have been enough to worry me, but the fact that she was Rose's charge and best friend… _No_, Rose was too strong to be taken down, and even if overwhelming odds had come against her and something had happened, I would get her back. She had brought about miracles for Lissa and I over the last year, surely nothing could steal her away from us that easily?

Christian was looking at me curiously from the paperwork he was filing for Lissa – now _that_ was devotion – but stayed quiet to let me hear, instead mouthing 'What is it?'

Lissa's sobs were grating through the phone's speaker, loud enough to make me wince, but I kept the device to my ear, impatiently waiting for her to speak.

"Give it," Christian gestured to the phone, having heard Lissa's distress, he took the cell and cooed soothing nonsense into it until the Queen spoke to him. Whatever it was, it wasn't good, as it seemed the pale face of the Moroi could go far whiter. "No…" he murmured, eyes wide with horror.

"What?" I demanded to know, I'd heard and seen enough of the it's-bad-news signs, and it had to be about Rose. But what _was_ it?!

Christian shook his head and tapped a button, turning on speaker so Lissa's voice filled the room, as did her sniffles and moans. "I didn't mean for it to happen! I shouldn't have made her go back. I should've run when she told me to. I should've _done _something. I made it happen. It's all my fault! If I'd made the others come with us, or just stayed in the car, they wouldn't have got her. She was just protecting me till the others could come help. Why didn't I run when she told me to…? It's all my fault they got her." Lissa's words descended into despairing gibberish, but I could decipher the words 'Rose', and 'Strigoi', and put it together.

No. _No_. No, this couldn't be happening.

Another voice came through the speaker "Lord Ozera?"

"Yeah?" Christian answered with a weak sigh.

"I believe what Queen Vasilisa is too distressed to say is." _deep breaths, Roza didn't fall apart, and nor will I_ "At approximately 1300 hours, the Queen was attacked in her rooms by three Strigoi, Hathaway, though wounded dispatched one Strigoi and defended the Queen till help arrived." A mournful sigh came from the other end, overlapped by Lissa's hysterical screams, then came the words that crashed against my heart like… there is nothing to compare it to. "Umershih s otlichiem."

Christian looked confused, until I translated numbly "Deceased, with honours."

"Take that back!" Lissa yelled to whomever had spoken "She's not dead you bastards!"

Hope surged through me like my Roza's light-giving smile, until Lissa's next words filled my world with darkness again.

"The Alchemists reported her body missing, so she's Strigoi, and we can save her!"

No, not Roza, it would destroy her to be one of _them_… Rose Hathaway was a woman made of light, and it would break her to become something so dark.

We had to save her, from herself.

"When do we start?" I asked Lissa.

"Immediately, Lehigh's in a city. She'll be there somewhere," her breath hitched as she said the words "hunting, I guess. So that's where we're going."

So, it was settled, the Queen was going to Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, to save my saviour.

… **(Rose's POV)**

It is driving me mad. If I'd just stayed in Bethlehem – teehee, is it wrong for me to find it funny I was turned to the dark side in a place called Bethlehem? _Wait, yes, it is, I shouldn't think of anything as funny…_ – then I could've fed by now. But I'm not stupid, the city around Lehigh uni is the first place they'll look for me, and they will, cos Liss will demand it, and so will Dimitri when he finds out… No, I will not think about either of them, I cannot see them again, so I will forget them, the sooner the better.

Still, I know they will look for me, I cannot allow them to find me, or else I will hurt them, Strigoi do such things, even to those they love, or rather, used to. Because I am Strigoi now, and Strigoi cannot love. Strigoi have only one love, and that is sating their desires, I must learn to embrace that fact, and sate my body's needs.

I was right though, when I thought it would take under three hours to reach the next town, and it did. I entered Allentown after two hours and thirty-two minutes (gimme a break, I had to figure out the way without a map!)

_Now,_ I thought as a steady, irritating rain began to fall onto my head, _how about somewhere to stay for while I'm here?_This is one of the great things about being a Royal Guardian, I carry a lot of money, since the Queen is not permitted to carry her own, and cards are too easily traced for her safety.

It didn't take me long to find a hotel, though, admittedly a decent one took a little longer. I checked in under a false name – Marie Mazur, so okay, not that false – doing my best to hide my brightly glowing eyes behind my hair as I paid, but the receptionist gave me a strange look regardless.

_God, this was gonna be a problem,_ I realised as I walked to my room, getting even more peculiar glances from the three people who saw me.

So, with the lack of anything better to do, and for the sake of trying to delay the inevitable, I order room service. To try and cheer myself up over a pretty embarassing and downright shit day… days? Wait, I don't know how long I was unconsious in that room, surely it wasn't that long, or the humans would've noticed four bodies…

I shake my head, flipping on the big TV and surfing channels to find something good. _God this is gonna suck,_ I think to myself as I begin dialling for room service, _it's gonna require so much thinking to stay off the radar, but hey, I'm getting a pamper-myself brownie out of it._ I grin just a little at that particular thought.

The staff of this particular hotel are a bit slow it seems, as they say my food will take some time to arrive. But since I have more important needs at the moment, I tell them that it's okay with me, and to please leave it at my door as I am going to go for a little walk in the rain.

Okay, yes, I realise they now think I'm insane, as it is a full-on storm out there, but both Strigoi and Guardian instincts tell me that's a good thing, it'll cover up any screams.

… **(Dimitri's POV)**

"What?!" I exlaim at Lissa's words.

"I said, you're going to stay at Court."

"But why?!" I know I should not be yelling at the Queen, but Rose has rubbed off on me, and so has her absence, I _need_ her back, she went across the world to save me.

"Because, I can't let either of you hurt the other. I've seen what it did to you, and I can't let that happen to my friend."

"But—"

"I told you, you've nothing to worry about."

"I'm not worrying about Rose, I'm worrying about anyone you put up against her. You know how good she is."

"Yes, and so do you, that's why you can't go."

_What?_ "That's Rose-logic!" I scowl at the screen, as if Lissa will somehow see my rage at her twisting the facts.

"No, it's Lissa-logic. I can't let the two of you fight. It is that simple, you know each other's moves too well, but Rose will be faster now, stronger, it puts you at disadvantage for the first time. I do not think you will realise that until it is too late, so I am placing Mikhail in charge of finding her. He's friendly enough with her to try not to hurt her until I can come in, and distant enough to not hesitate."

I winced at that, but answered "Fine." perhaps a little more harshly than I should have.

"So… What now?" Christian asked tentatively as I followed him into palace housing.

"We obey the Queen."

Christian smiled "And if she weren't the Queen, if she were just Lissa?"

"I'd still obey her, because it's my job."

Christian outright laughed "Belikov, pretend she's just another person, what do _you want_ to do?"

"Find Rose, of course."

"Well, then isn't it a good thing I can disobey Lissa with only a scolding from her Highness? Let's go," and Christian began walking in the opposite direction, giving me the obligation to follow him, if only to act as Guardian.

… **(Rose's POV)**

It feels so good. I never want it to stop. The rush of it is better than alcohol's buzz, greater than anything Adrian ever persuaded me to have a go at, more blissful than the magic I felt from Lissa.

_This_ is nirvana._ This_ is heaven._ This_ is enlightenment.

I cannot ever let it end.

The flow of pleasure pulsing through me is more brilliant and dazzling than the sun, and louder in my ears than the storm. My breath comes fast and all I want is more of this sensation, more of this perfection, more.

_Stop… _murmurs a tiny, pitiful voice in my head_ Rose, you must stop now…_

The voice is so miniscule I can ignore it like I would a fly. I continue, wading deeper into the diminishing stream for the last dregs of that faultless high. I shudder with that last, beautiful sigh of pure life.

Thud.

_Huh?_ I think stupidly, looking at the scene below me.

At my feet is a young girl, probably not even in her teens. She has a bush of curly blonde hair, spread across her face, neck and back. Her eyes are half-lidded, as if she too feels the complete and utter transcendence of what I just experienced, but what shows of them is a pure, crystaline blue. Her mouth is hanging open, in a silent cry of joy.

"Lydia? Lydiaaaa? …Lydia! Where are you, honey?"

I turn in the direction of the sound, and see a cosy-looking, well-lit house. The golden light from the house doesn't reach this far into the garden, but a nearby lightning strike does the job.

The burst of illumination shows the darkness I thought was her skin… is in fact blood, and the thing at my feet is not a girl, it is her corpse. Her eyes are not dim with ecstasy, but death, and her mouth was open in a scream.

I look at my hands, just in time for blood to drip from my chin onto them, staining my inner-almond skin with the same taint that has just fallen upon my soul.

_What have I __**done**__?_

"Lydia? Oh my God!" a woman's face appears in the doorway to that shining, golden home.

I flee into the dark abyss, where I belong.

… **(Dimitri's POV)**

"This is _ridiculous_." Christian muttered, storming out of the garage complex. "They shouldn't be able to refuse me anything, I am the Queen's consort."

"That is exactly why they are refusing you," I pointed out "the reigning monarch's orders are above those of the consort."

"But how the hell did she put the word out that quickly?!"

"I imagine she decreed it the moment she decided upon any form of action, she knows you very well."

Christian muttered to himself, general insults of the female gender that I will not repeat. "So what do we do now?" he finally asked as we made our way past the developing statue that would – when completed – resemble Queen Vasilisa.

"Lord Ozera! Dimitri!"

Christian flinched at the sound, but I was unfazed, having spotted the sprinting figure of Sonya half a minute ago.

"Oh, hi Ms— Sonya." Christian stumbled over her name, no doubt still coming to terms with her no longer being his teacher, just as Roza was…

Sonya rolled her eyes, having noticed the slip-up, but choosing to ignore it "I heard about Rose…" she murmured, cautiously glancing at me, then with more scrutiny.

"Yeah, but it's fine, Lissa's doing the stake thing to get her back." Christian frowned as he spoke, crossing his arms in his signature I-don't-like-being-left-out pose.

"I know, Mikhail told me before he left." she kept giving me strange looks, and I couldn't figure out why. Sonya was silent for a moment, as if waiting for something, but, not getting whatever it was, exclaimed "Vasilisa _cannot_ resurrect Rose!"

"Why?" I immediately challenged her, fingers aching with the need to shake her for suggesting such a thing.

"Because—!" she blurted, eyes widened with frustration. She paused, taking three slow breaths before speaking again "Just trust me, I've been investigating this remember? The Shadowkissed if killed cannot be returned from the Other-world by magic."

"Why? What harm could it possibly do?" Christian scoffed.

"It would kill one anyone involved, or worse." Sonya declared miserably. "The spirits will have such a strong hold on Rose it would pull her and anyone else into their world if such a thing were even attempted."

_No. No. She cannot mean what I think she means_.

"I've, I've been trying to find some way to make it possible, but as yet uncovered nothing. I don't know what areas to be studying, Strigoi, Shadowkissed, or spirit users, and I cannot ask Adrian for help again, it's not fair on him to make him use more spirit, he's so damaged already, poor thing, poor thing…" Sonya trailed off, a slightly glazed look in her eyes.

"Uh, Sonya?" Christian poked her arm "How much spirit have _you_ been using recently?"

She blinked at him "Nothing I can't handle." she answered too-brightly "Just enough to be sure that the Rose I saw will still be there after all this." and she skipped away.

"Sonya!" I called, walking after her with Christian just as worried at my side.

"I'm fine!" she sung "But Rose isn't," her tone dimmed "red Rose has thorns now, thorns without and thorns within, the crying pain to drown her sin."

Christian and I looked at each other 'This is gonna be fun' he mouthed sarcastically, taking her arm and leading her to a nearby bench.

I followed obediantly, unable to think anything except that she had said we could not save Rose.

Well, the impossibility of it never prevented Roza, so I won't let it stop me either.

… **(Rose's POV)**

_Eugh, that didn't feel so good._

The brownie I had just inhaled to try and shield the inevitable, has just decided it doesn't like me after all, and escaped. I try to eat some of the pizza, but can't keep that down either.

_Okay,_ I tell myself, shaking a little at the idea of never eating food again, _it's all part of being Strigoi, they don't eat, so surely, the feeling of normal hunger will eventually be replaced by just bloodlust. It's fine, just gotta be patient, and remember to not eat anything cos it'll only erode my teeth_.

If only patience were one of my virtues, I want everything now, always have. And more than anything, I want to feel like I did earlier again, I want that rush, that screaming, pure, divine pleasure, I want to _live_. And if I have to steal life from others, then no—

_No… What am I __**saying**__? I killed an innocent little girl! How can I be thinking about it like that?! I cannot think about it like it's some piece of meat, that was a young, human girl, called Lydia, with a mom, and a home, and beautiful blue eyes like a clear sky._

_Eyes that will never see anything again. Because I took the life from her. I killed her. And liked it._

_No…_

I crawl to the balcony doors and open them, letting the rain fall on me, wishing for it to wash away what I have done.

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**Thoughts and comments always welcome :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**This is actually kind of pitiful, when this story first came to me, it all fit together so well, but that just shows you how terrible either a: my memory or b: my note-writing ability is.**

* * *

I flinch away instinctively from the Strigoi approaching me. She smirks mockingly at me "Ignorant child! Don't you know we do not sleep?"

"I know that!" I snap at her, launching up to my feet, far faster than I could have done before.

She studies me with the typical angry expression of the Strigoi race, wrinkling her nose "What is wrong with your eyes?" she demands, glaring at me with her 'normal' red-rimmed orbs.

"How should I know?!"

"They're your eyes!"

"Well, I can't _see_ them, can I?!"

"They're not normal! They're glowing!"

"So are yours!"

"Yours aren't doing it properly!" she growls the words, "They're not red, and— Argh!" she screams in frustration "Wash off the blood imbecile! Do you want the humans to discover us?!"

I stare at her for a moment, "But… I already did." I touch my face, to find it clean and soft, not sticky.

"I can still smell it on you, it is distracting!"

"Tell me where it is and I will." This is worrying me, I can't smell anything, I had a shower, I'm _certain_ there's no blood on me. _What is happening here?_

The Strigoi warily steps even closer, when standing directly in front of me, just a matter of inches away, she scents the air again with a sinister smile. "Perhaps I was wrong." she purrs "It is not your last meal I detect, it is you."

"Me? But—"

"Silence little one." she coos, leaning in to whisper in my ear "We do not want anyone to hear us, do we?"

"Well, no, I guess not, but wha—" my words cut off on a shriek of surprise as she sinks her fangs into my neck. I flail about in shock for but three seconds before more intelligent reactions kick in – literally.

The Strigoi hisses at the blow, dragging her teeth through my neck as she falls – it hurts, but it will heal soon enough. Falling into a defensive crouch she studies me as she licks her lips "What are you?" she says, almost to herself.

_I wish I had my stake…_ I think morosely, because it's going to be hard to defend myself without it.

She laughs "No matter, you taste good, and that is all I care about." and leaps at me, reaching for my right arm, fangs bared.

I sidestep, hitting into the balcony railing, then vaulting over it. I need some way to stop her, I haven't got a stake, or an axe, or a way to set her on fire – so what do I do, I run, just as… Dimitri taught me. _Stop thinking about him and __**run**__ goddammit! Do you __**want**__ to die?!_

The storm is still raging about our heads, slicking the pavement beneath my feet in a way that would once have disturbed my ability to run, but now was no such problem – the advantage of super-dhampir reflexes. Although the wet doesn't hamper my speed, it still produces a problem, even if I find some way to set my persuer on fire, it will never finish her off now.

I need to find some other way to escape, because I absolutely refuse to die like this twice!

Two words loom above my head, in bold letters with an arrow pointing to my right. Words I never thought I'd be overjoyed to see: POLICE STATION. Hell, I know that the fatso cops won't be able to take down a Strigoi, but they should be able to distract her long enough for me to get away!

So, with a faint, fleeting sympathy for the lives I'm about to endanger, I sprint through the revolving door.

Let's just say the reaction was better than I'd hoped for.

… **(Sonya's POV)**

"Hmm, I think Lissa has just proved she is indeed fallible." I muttered to myself upon hearing the police report.

Strigoi attacks upon humans were common, yes, but never so blatantly obvious. Either the body was never found, or it did not seem to be death by drainage, or at least, not through being bitten. Though brutish, Strigoi are not stupid, and wish for our world to remain secret just as much as the Moroi do.

"Allentown." I whispered, writing it on my notepad amidst the many other scrawls and revelationary gibberish that was typical of my spirit-addled mind. "A crown of a town, as brown as a gown made of duck down." realising what I am saying, even to myself, I mumbled a curse and resolved to remain silent lest spirit make nonsense poems again.

I looked down at the rest of my notes, only to see useless drivel. In frustration at my snail-pace, I screwed up the paper and sent it flying across the room, then had it dance its way into the open fireplace.

Spirit may send me whacko, yet I cannot help but love the warm feeling it gives me whenever I use it.

_Rose needs me, and all I can come up with are stupid poems! Dr Seuss may have made a living out of them, but I can't bring her back to life with them!_

_I'm sorry Rose, I'm trying, I promise I am._

… **(Rose's POV)**

I have never felt so relieved in my life as I do now. None of them died, they went straight out and shot the bitch long enough that she crawled away to heal, hissing curses at me as I faded into the shadows.

That seems to be something I have become good at now that I've practised for a total of two minutes. I might not have the strength or overwhelming speed, but I have Strigoi reflexes and stealth, hence the intriguing ability I am currently taking advantage of.

I am walking in the shadow of a wall, in quite plain sight of the police men and woman who came to help me – yet they can't see me. I dance around a little, waving, and still they don't notice. "Cool." I whisper to myself, glancing down at my semi-visible body. "Now I really am Shadowkissed." I try to joke, but even I can appreciate it wasn't funny.

One question remains, now that I've evaded my attacker: What do I do now?

I can't have the future I once dreamt of, at the moment I don't even want it. This is Lissa's fault, why should I protect her? Why should I care about her when she let this— no, _made_ this happen? And I can't go back to Court to see anyone else, I'll end up hurting them, like that poor little girl…

Not to mention, I can still feel that desire pulsating throughout my extremities. My fingers and toes dance with want, from light ballet to pounding hip-hop in a matter of moments. The swirling sensation of emptiness fills my body with urges and one solution.

_No, Rose, you __**can't**__._

But I must.

I am moving before I can stop myself. I know exactly what my legs are leading me towards, but I can't halt them. No matter how hard I try, no matter how loudly I scream the commands, my feet keep going against me.

My body is not my own, and in some ways it feels good to just let go. There's no need to worry about anything if I hand over of control. My actions won't have consequences because they won't be mine. I won't feel the guilt, because I won't have caused it.

_Rose, you are your own person, don't give in._

I ignore the thought. Giving in is just so much _easier_. It erases the pain of what I have done, and what I have lost.

My feet carry me silently through alleys and backstreets, following my now-hyper-sensitive nose in the search for what my body screams for. The scent is overpowering, sending anticipating shudders through me that make me run all the faster with desire for the taste, the rush, the return to life.

It's all that I want, all that I long for, all that I _need_. I _must_ be alive again, and if that can't happen, I'll steal the life from others so they can't have it either. It's not _fair_ for it to only be a small few who must only exist instead of living. I am spreading justice throughout the world by emptying it of people who are lucky, they have had their time, and now I _deserve_ mine!

My nose has brought me to a club of some sort, I could read the sign and find out what, but I don't care enough to do so. All I care about here is the smell of life wafting from just around the corner, lifeblood and alcohol, not the best of combinations, but it should add a little extra kick to the flavour.

I leap onto my victim, sinking my teeth into his neck, ignoring his startled cry as I enter his nearest artery and rip it open. Warmth spreads its way across my face, and the whole front of my body for that matter, but I don't mind the mess, it's just proof of my claim on this man's life, evidence that it now belongs to me. I am a little closer to alive now that I'm coated in it, surely?

_Rose, you're going to regret this, stop before it's too late._

No! I regret nothing about this! His cries are music to my ears, melodies in time with my swallows, coming faster and faster as I race through his bloodstream. My heartbeat rushes as I take his final breath from him, revelling in the sound of the fluttering sigh of a soul departing this world and entering another.

His lifeless form falls from my hands, hitting the ground with a soft thump that I don't care about as I stand for a moment, basking in the majesty that is _life_. What have I been doing all these years? Protecting people, what's the point of that? Life is all that matters, and only mine and those who're half-alive like me – we are the only ones who deserve it!

_Rose, what are you thinking?! When you wake up you'll hate yourself for this._

I have no idea where that thought came from, but wherever it's from, I don't agree with… with— Oh God!

I stare down at the third person I have murdered in my entire life. I stare at the empty eyes, the open mouth caught in a scream, the clawed hands.

Now that I can feel anything but need, I feel the faint pain of his attack, the rapidly healing bruises and tiny scratches. He fought for his life, yet I still stole it from him, wanting to ride on the high it gave me.

That makes me a monster. I _chose_ to do this, I ignored my humanity – or dhampirness or whatever you wanna call it – and let myself kill someone. I lost control, and I slaughtered an innocent.

I cannot let it happen ever again, I've got to stop this before it goes any further. But now I know I can't resist the call of my hunger, I must find some way to silence it once and for all.…

… **(Sonya's POV)**

My eyes widened as I walked through my personal plot – a gift from Queen Lissa for all my 'help' over the years – I had forgotten something important. This was nothing new, spirit often caused me to forget things, but rarely ever in such important situations. I was certain the thing I'd forgotten was critical in helping Rose, but what _was_ it?

I remembered learning something from police reports, but that aspect didn't matter. I'd thought of something then, some way to help her, even theoretically, but _what was it_?!

I glared at a nearby rhododendron bush, which grew about a foot in each direction in answer to my frustration.

A buzzing sound and sensation drew my attention to my pocket, my phone was ringing. Retrieving the cold device irked me, but checking the caller's identity improved my mood somewhat.

"Hello Hail." I said cheerfully, doing my best to ignore spirit's dark attitude.

"Hey Sunny, I just wanted to check you're okay?"

Well, we both knew he wasn't asking if I was eating my vegetables – more that I wasn't a vegetable myself.

"I'm fine." I answered mostly truthfully, "But I swear I've forgotten something."

"Did you check your notebooks?"

"Yes, of course I did," I snapped, then took a breath to try and shake the clinging anger "three times, but I can't find anything remotely useful in any of them."

"Well, do you remember what you were doing when you thought of whatever it was?"

"I think I was listening to police reports."

Mikhail was silent for a moment in surprise "Police reports? Why?" his voice held more than a little concern.

"To find Rose."

"You don't need to, sunshine, my team are scouting for her as we speak."

"But there's no sign of her, is there?" I said sickly-sweetly, and immediately hating myself for it.

"Sonya, are you sure you're all right?"

"I'll live, but Rose won't. We have no idea how the Shadowkissed react to being 'Awakened', but from what I've managed to find, the result won't be good for her."

"Being Strigoi won't be good for her."

"I know that! Going Strigoi was the worst mistake I ever made! But I am in a better position to cope with such behaviour than Rose is! She fell apart over the murder of Victor Dashkov, imagine—"

"Shh, Sonya, calm down, I get the picture. Now, what were you saying about Rose not being here?"

I took four long breaths before speaking "I think she left, and I did know the name of where I thought she'd gone but…"

"I'm sure it'll come to you at some point."

"Yes, I know, but it's just so _frustrating_ when I'm trying to research."

Mikhail continued to make soothing noises at me over the speaker whilst I looked around my garden for some sort of insight into what I'd forgotten.

"Have you checked the nearby towns?" I asked randomly.

"I have three Guardians sent in each direction."

"So, three in Allentown?" is what came out of my mouth, without the thought passing through my brain.

"They're probably arriving around now, yes, we only decided to split up today. Why?"

"Get yourself there, now!"

"Sonya, shh, what's up?"

"Rose is there, I'm next to certain, and she's in trouble."

"What do you mean, 'trouble'?"

"It was on the report, they'd just shot a young woman who was attacking people, and there'd already been one murder before that."

I heard Mikhail's shocked intake of breath "Okay, I've gotta go then."

"Be careful!" worry lined my words.

"Aren't I always?" he murmured with a laugh, then hung up.

After returning the phone to my pocket, I stood in silence, letting the peace of my garden wash over me, the floral scents and natural sounds soothing the tremors in my hands.

_I need to tell everyone here, _it occurred to me suddenly,_ I need to let them know._ But a bolt of fear shocked through me as another thought entered my mind. _Dimitri is really not going to like this, the human police shot his girlfriend and have her down as a murderer._

_Well, it won't be the first time she's endured either of those,_ I supposed as I picked a random direction and started walking.

… **(Rose's POV)**

It didn't work. I am Strigoi enough that normal methods don't work on me, but dhampir enough that most if not all of my bones are broken. It _hurts_, like hell, but I'm healing. I can feel it, splinters of cartilage fusing with shredded tissues. I must look a sight, blood pooling around a fractured skull, bones protruding from my leg, my shoulder and my back. But the fatal factors are rapidly repairing themselves, the bones pulling back into my body.

I don't know how long I've been lying here, and I don't know why no-one's noticed the failed attempt.

_Rose, what are you doing? This isn't you. The Rose I knew would be fighting._

To be honest, I'm tired of fighting, tired of the guilt, tired of the pain.

In fact, I am simply tired – something that has been worrying me for the three or four days I've now been Strigoi(?) for. Surely since Strigoi do not sleep, they shouldn't feel fatigued.

But that might be because they thrive on the high of drinking blood.

_Rose, no, stop thinking about it._

I can't, and I now know exactly what is to follow. There is going to be a fourth murder on my hands.

My exhausted and broken body pulls itself together faster at the thought, arms pushing my torso off of the ground for a total of five seconds before crying out in pain and collapsing again. Yeah, I'm just gonna lie here a little longer, heal some more.

But already my heart is pounding, and my body is screaming for reasons other than pain.

_Rose… They're coming._

My abusive answers to my alien thoughts halt for a moment with sadness. That particular voice in my head sounded exactly like… well, like Mason, just before the attack on St Vladimir's.

_Rose, they're coming for you._

I look up, and see that my crazy subconscious is right. I need to move, _now_. But I can't, my right leg is stil broken in three places, and my spine has only half healed from its shattered state.

I am defenceless as four Strigoi come towards me, hunger lighting their hellfire eyes, and genuine smiles on their faces. They catch sight of each other from their respective directions, and all shout the same word:

"MINE!"

* * *

**Hopefully the next one's gonna be better, but this story might end up being very short.**  
**Very sorry for how badly this had ended up going.**  
**xxx GC**


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